Messing with Umbridge
by DelusionalGrandeur
Summary: Series of oneshots that revolve around pranks and the pandemonium that reigned during Umbridge's short reign as Headmistress.
1. Foodfight

Foodfight

Summary: Sometimes, there isn't room for a cool, logical decision. Sometimes, you just have to give up on reason and recognize that the best weapon just might be a pot of potatoes.

"Imbeciles. The whole lot of them." Severus muttered threateningly as he heedlessly barged through a group of dawdling first years who were blocking the entrance to the great hall while excitedly recounting some bit of exciting gossip to one another. They flitted aside, falling silent as the potions master charged through. Severus didn't give them a second glance as he swept into the hall, forcing himself to not flinch as he was hit by the wave of sound that emanated from the talkative student body. He glared at the students, all of whom were oblivious to the death wish their potions professor was wishing on them.

Suppressing a sigh, Severus made his way to the staff table. Minerva stopped her conversation with Trelawny mid-sentence and frowned at him as he took the seat next to her.

"Are you alright, Severus?" Her thin eyebrows rose. "I heard about todays' Longbottom incident."

Snape fought the urge to roll his eyes. "Nothing I couldn't handle." He started loading up his plate with anything in reach, ending up with the somewhat unsavory combination of waffles, roast beef, and rice pudding. Shrugging slightly and feeling his eye twitch, he started shoving food into his mouth with as much dignity as his self-control allowed.

"Hungry?" Minerva's tone was light and casual. "Did you take something for your headache already?"

Severus growled, but didn't turn to see the smirk he knew was pointed at him. "Is it that obvious?"

"No. But I know you, Severus."

He nodded slightly, frowning when his eyes scanned the hall and came to rest on one Harry Potter. The boy was pale, glaring down at his plate of untouched food. Severus did roll his eyes then. Potter was a bloody open book. He didn't even need legilimency to realize that the boy was angry. Yet Severus still had to continue to waste time 'teaching' the boy occlumency.

"What did Potter do this time?"

Severus hadn't realized he had been glaring. "Nothing. Yet." He looked back down at his half-eaten plate of food. He was supposed to be giving Potter another occlumency lesson after dinner. He didn't want to. He wanted nothing more than to go back to his chambers with a full stomach, knock back a glass or two of firewhiskey, and pass out. His head was already pounding, and the last thing he needed was to engage in a mental duel—however one-sided it would inevitably be. He would just have to put off the lesson to another night.

A small smirk found its' way to his face as he realized he would get the chance to embarrass Potter in just a few short moments by loudly announcing that 'remedial potions' would be moved to the following evening. With that, the pounding behind his eyeballs lessened just a fraction and he started eating with renewed vigor, ignoring the inquiring look he could feel Minerva throw at him.

At length, Severus pushed aside his plate, satisfied that he couldn't eat any more. His gaze once again wandered over to the Gryffindor table where Potter was still glaring resolutely at the table, though his face was turning a rather deep shade of red and the fist clenched around his fork was trembling. Directly across the table, Weasley was just as red. Severus felt his smirk widen as Potter snapped abruptly at his best friend, baring his teeth and finally looking up at the redhead. Said redhead jumped to his feet, his angry muttering growing louder with each word as he looked down at the other boy.

"Perfect." Snape was almost smiling as he stood up and strode purposely towards the fighting boys. With any luck, he'd catch a few foul words and be able to deduct points from Gryffindor.

"…You're just jealous because I'm the one who won the cup instead of you." Weasley was spouting as Severus approached behind him. Neither boy noticed him standing there.

"All you do is talk about that stupid game! It was weeks ago! We have real problems now, so get over it!"

"So you think you're more important than me, is that it? Poor Harry, he's the bloody boy who lived and he doesn't think quidditch is important now that he can't play it, and everyone else shouldn't think it's important either!"

"Right, because it was so important to you that you just couldn't wait to quit when you were a loser."

Severus smirked at Weasley's back when the boy straightened up even more, shaking and sputtering. He was waiting for what he knew would come.

Sure enough, Weasley couldn't hold his anger in check any better than Potter could clear his mind. The red head scooped up the nearest dish—a kidney pie—and flung it across the table.

"Protego!"

SPLAT!

Severus froze when the Kidney pie was suddenly sliding down his face, down his neck and onto the front of his robes. The entire hall fell silent. He opened his eyes and glanced from the gaping Potter with his wand still held defensively in front of him, to the wide-eyed Weasley who was splayed on the ground, apparently having ducked to avoid the flying pie.

A few giggles broke out behind him, quickly stifled or masked by coughs. He saw the corner of Potters mouth twitch up as the boy lowered his wand and quickly looked down, biting hard on his lower lip. Weasley remained completely still, not even blinking as he stared up at the glowering potions master.

It was the snort that brought Severus out of his temporary immobility. His eyes snapped back to Potter, who was shaking with silent laughter. Around him, other students were starting to tremble with mirth.

"Potter! Weasley! Detention for the both of you!" Minerva's voice came from somewhere on his right. He bared his teeth, still glaring at Potter. The boy was openly laughing, and something in Severus snapped.

Minerva was fully immersed in her lecture, as Severus scraped a handful of the goop off the front of his robes.

"Throwing food is immature and unacceptable-"

SPLAT!

Potter abruptly stopped laughing as the handful of kidney pie exploded on the top of his head. Severus smirked at the shocked look on the boys' face, only to freeze again when he realized that the great hall had once again grown silent.

"Severus!"

Somewhere in his head, he knew that all reason had left him. He turned to look at his fellow head of house, mouth already opening to try and excuse his behavior.

SPLAT!

It was mashed potatoes this time that smacked the side of his face. With a roar, he whipped around to face Potter, pulling out his wand. The boy was on his feet defiantly, another handful of potatoes at the ready.

Wordlessly, Severus sent the entire contents of the nearest bowl rocketing towards the infuriating little prick. It looked like gravy, and splattered not just on the boy, but the girl next to him—whom he realized a second later was Granger.

Potter wordlessly let loose his handful of potatoes, reaching for another as soon as Severus deflected the first. An undignified yelp came from Minerva, but Severus was too busy staring down Potter to pay much attention. He was side swept by a pork chop. He turned just in time to see Granger cocking back to throw a piece of toast. He sent it back at her, as well as the next glob of potatoes that Potter sent at him. From his right, a turkey leg jumped onto his shoulder and started trying to grind itself into his hair. He let out a startled gasp and turned to glare at Minerva, who was simultaneously trying to pick potatoes out of her ear and bewitch a ham to crawl up his leg. He exploded the ham with a flick of his wand, sending the pieces spraying everyone within reach.

Vaguely aware that the _headmistress_ was squeaking at the top of her lungs, Severus quickly sent a bowl of salad at his rival head of house. She deflected it, showering the neighboring Hufflepuffs with the foliage.

Then, all fell completely still for a few seconds, and Severus glanced between Potter, Granger and Minerva, who had her wand trained on a plate of spaghetti and meatballs.

"Stop this at once! I will not tolerate such behavior in my school!" Umbridge's voice echoed across the hall.

Potter flipped her the bird, and lobbed a handful of meatloaf across the hall as hard as he could. It landed at the Slytherin table, causing a few angry outbursts and swearwords to echo across the still silent hall.

"FOODFIGHT!"

The hall erupted into pandemonium as screaming broke out and every student—as well as most of the staff—turned their dinner into an endless supply of projectile weapons.

Severus sighed, grimacing as another chunk of food fell out of his hair onto the spot of the floor he had just painstakingly scrubbed. He heard grumbling beside him, and turned to Minerva. "This is humiliating."

The older woman just shook her head, frowning at her own patch of floor. "The sooner we get it done, the sooner we get out of here."

Severus rolled his eyes, turning his eyes to the other three members of their cleaning team. Granger was sighing heavily, sweeping up a stubborn pile of macaroni. Weasley was grumbling under his breath as he used a spoon to scrape smashed food out of the cracks between the stones in the floor. Potter, however, was smiling faintly as he deftly and swiftly wiped the remaining half of the Slytherin table, the last of the tables needing cleaning. Every once in a while, he would break down into a silent fit of laughter before resuming his cleaning.

"What exactly is so amusing, Potter?" Severus snapped, glaring at the boy when he broke down into his third laughing fit.

Potter shook his head, glancing at Filch who was lingering in a corner and 'supervising.' "This was so worth it."

Severus growled. The pounding in his head had returned with a vengeance. "Detention, Potter. Every day this week."

"Sorry professor. The Toads' already given me detention every day for the next two weeks."

It took Severus a second to realize that 'The Toad' was Delores Umbridge. He couldn't help a small chuckle. "And you still think it was worth it?"

Potter had moved on from the tables, and had gone to help Hermione with her section of the floor. "Well yeah! Did you see the look on her face when Luna charmed the peas to roll up her nose? Or when Seamus turned her hair into spaghetti? It was bloody brilliant."

Severus snorted, tossing his sponge aside and turned to look at the boy. He was making more progress than everyone else combined. Granger was rubbing her knees tenderly, and Weasley was cursing as the spoon got stuck between the cracks and bent. Minerva was watching him with raised eyebrows as he stood up. He pulled his wand out and with a wave, the great hall was sparkling again.

"You aren't supposed to use magic! The headmistress is going to be very upset-"

Minerva wordlessly stunned the whining man. "We'll modify his memory and no one will be the wiser."

Severus nodded. Potter was smiling even wider, while Granger and Weasley were just looking relieved. "Not a word, understood?"

"Yes Sir." Came the unanimous echo. Potter was still smiling.

"Good. Now, if any of you ever throw a pie at me again you can kiss your sorry ass goodbye. Understood?"

"Yes Sir."

"Good. Now go get cleaned up and get to bed."

Minerva was smirking at him as he turned his attention to the stunned caretaker. "Admit it."

"Admit what?"

"You had fun."

"I most certainly did not!"

Minerva's smirk widened. "Whatever you say, Severus."

Severus glared at her as she left the hall. He quickly finished up with Filch and revived the man before gratefully slipping down to the dungeons and into his chambers. Only when he had locked the door and was clean and in front of the fire with a glass of firewhiskey did he allow himself to smile. Quiet laughter soon filled the room.


	2. Ridiculous

Ridiculous

Summary: There hasn't been a boggart at Hogwarts in months, but that doesn't mean the students can't practice their boggart defense spells.

There was a buzzing excitement around the courtyard. It was the day after the twins had made their valiant escape from the school, and the air was tense with mischief. Harry smirked as he watched Filch turning redder and redder as a group of third years snickered at him from across the courtyard. Mrs. Norris was a violent shade of hot pink. As if drawn to the distress of her one and only supporter, Umbridge came bursting into view, slightly out of breath. She took in the fuming caretaker and his obnoxiously pink cat and gave a haughty wave of her wand. She only succeeded in making the beast glow slightly.

"They're so ridiculous." Hermione said off-handedly, following Harry's line of sight. "This is such a joke."

Beside her, Ron nodded in agreement. Ginny giggled as she too noticed the pink, glowing cat.

"Speaking of ridiculous, do you remember in your third year when Neville made the Snape boggart wear his gran's clothes?" Luna suddenly added dreamily. She was flipping her wand between her fingers and watching said potions master telling off the group of third years.

Neville gulped. "I'm still surprised I survived that."

Luna nodded, a smile making its way onto her face. "Do you think the ridikulus charm would work on the real Snape?"

This was met by silence as all six of them turned to look at Snape, who seemed to sense their interested gaze and shot them a chilling glare.

"I don't know. He's fouler than a boggart by all means, but I don't know that the charm would work on a person." Hermione mused. "And I don't really fancy finding out, either."

Harry nodded in agreement. He was still a bloody nervous wreck from his trip into Snape's penseive, and was in no hurry to try and get even deeper into trouble with the man.

"It would be rather brilliant if it did." Luna sighed. Snape continued to glare at them, causing them to slowly avert their gaze. The bell rang, signaling the end of break and they slowly made their way back into the castle. Filch was screaming at the top of his lungs at anyone who would listen, demanding that his cat be turned back to normal.

Harry smiled as he brought up the memory of the boggart-Snape in the green dress and vulture hat. Ron and Hermione were bickering about something or the rather, and Luna and Ginny had headed in the opposite direction. Neville was watching Harry closely. "You're considering it, aren't you?"

Harry shook his head. "Not on Snape. I think a test run on Malfoy could be in the near future though."

Neville snorted.

Professor Flitwick was already at the front of the class when they got to charms, so Harry purposefully pushed the Ridikulus charm out of his mind.

By the end of classes that day, Harry had almost completely forgotten about his renewed interest in the Ridikulus spell—until he came face to face with Malfoy on his way to dinner in the great hall.

The blonde boy had barely opened his mouth to spout whatever foulness had come to his mind when Harry acted.

"Ridikulus."

Next to him, Harry heard Hermione gasp and break down into a fit of giggles. Ron let out a whoop, and the smirk fell off of Malfoy's face as he looked down at himself. His robes had been replaced by a flowered nighty that barely reached his mid-thighs, causing him to 'eep' and try and pull the flimsy material lower. Harry smirked as the blood rushed to his rivals' face. Even Crabbe and Goyle were snickering behind their hands. All around him, the corridor was blocked with students who stopped to gape.

"What is the hold up here? Move along." Harry quickly hid his smirk as he heard McGonagall's voice cut through the crowd. "I said move along! Mr. Malfoy! What in Merlins' name are you wearing? Twenty points from Slytherin for being out of uniform! Go put some clothes on!"

Harry couldn't help it. He broke down laughing as Malfoy pushed through the crowd, shooting him a glare as he left.

"Detention, Mr. Potter." McGonagall frowned down at him. She sent a glare at the remaining students and they quickly dispersed. When they were gone, only Harry, Hermione, Ron and Neville were left. "Five points from Gryffindor—for getting caught."

Harry smirked at his head of house, who just raised an eyebrow at him before turning and shooing a straggling first year from the corridor.

"She basically just told you not to get caught next time." Neville whispered excitedly. Hermione's eyes were wide, and Ron was doubled over laughing. "I dare you to do Umbridge next."

Harry cringed. "Maybe."

They made their way down to dinner. Excited whispers followed them as they walked to their table. Luna came from the Ravenclaw table to sit with them. "So it does work on people then."

Harry nodded, glancing up at Umbridge. Her cheeks were puffed out and she was glaring out at the students. Her curls were somewhat limp, and her usual bow was lopsided. Harry snickered and served himself some green beans.

"Seriously mate, I dare you." Ron whispered, taking a massive bite of potatoes.

Harry nodded, slipping out his wand and looking around. "I need a distraction."

Luna smiled, standing up and walking back to the Ravenclaw table. Suddenly, she pointed out one of the windows and screamed. "The crumple horned snorkack!"

Harry carefully aimed his wand and muttered "Ridikulus." He grinned widely when Umbridge turned into a toad.

No one noticed the change for a few seconds. Almost everyone was busy squinting out the window to try and see what Luna saw. Even Umbridge didn't notice at first.

Professor Flitwick was the first to notice the new and improved headmistress. He gave a start when he noticed the giant toad and fell off his seat. This caused the other professors to turn and look.

The silence in the hall quickly gave way to deafening laughter, and Umbridge finally took notice of her own affliction. However, when she tried to speak, all that came out was a croak.

Harry could feel McGonagall's eyes boring into him, but refused to look up. Ron had choked on his potatoes, and Hermione was busy patting him on the back. Another croak echoed across the hall, followed by an upsurge in laughter. Even Snape looked amused, though he hid it well when the indignant toad turned towards him, and obligingly turned her back with a wave of his wand.

"Who is responsible for this!?"

The hall fell silent again. No one spoke. Umbridge scanned the faces staring at her, and her eyes finally landed on Harry. Harry met her gaze unflinchingly and smiled wryly when the womans' face turned murderous. She had no proof.

"I think I'll have a look at your wand, Mr. Potter."

Harry felt the blood drain out of his face, and slowly stood up. The toad was marching toward him, her fat arm already held out expectantly. Beside him, he heard Ron curse.

Steeling himself, Harry handed the woman his wand, cringing when she revealed the last spell he had used. He held his breath, waiting for the outburst.

However, the smug look gave way to a frown and she grudgingly handed his wand back. "Very well, Mr. Potter. You are excused. Everyone else will wait here while I examine their wands. Once your wand has been cleared, you may leave."

Harry tried not to let the confusion he felt show on his face, and quickly left the hall.

That night in the common room, Hermione was beside herself with glee. "Don't you see what happened?"

Harry shook his head. "I thought for sure I'd be in detention for the rest of my life."

Hermione's grin only grew. "She didn't recognize the spell! Don't you get it? She's a horrible Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, but I never figured that she was actually that worthless at it."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "You mean she didn't even know that spell?"

"Exactly. She examined everyone's wands, and is now convinced that one of the teachers hexed her. She was looking for a strong transfiguration spell, I think."

Harry nodded, smile breaking out on his face. "That's brilliant."

Hermione giggled. Ron shook his head. "I guess it's a good thing none of us had Transfiguration before dinner then."

At that moment, Ginny came bursting through the portrait, out of breath. "She thinks it was Snape!"

"What!?"

"I didn't get all the details, but because the other professors weren't 'able' to help her get rid of the fireworks and because the bog is still there, she thinks they're all incompetent. But Snape turned her back to normal, to her he's the only logical culprit."

"That's fantastic!" Harry snorted.

"Not really." Hermione was frowning. "Snape probably knows that it was Harry, and you can be sure that he knows exactly what spell turned her into a giant toad."

This was followed by silence.

Sure enough, first thing the next morning Harry was called into Umbridge's office and given another weeks' worth of detention.

Filch was the next victim of 'ridikulus' as it quickly turned into a craze and yet another way to undermine the new headmistress. No one ever figured out the culprit, though it was generally agreed that whoever did it had to have a familiarity with muggle culture because the greasy caretaker was forced into a white backless dress that kept blowing up on its' own accord, and his lank hair was transformed into voluminous blonde curls.

Luna was rather giddy, getting praise for the ingeniousness of the suggestion in the first place. She was also rather bold with her choice of victims, getting both Crabbe and Goyle in quick succession by turning them into gargoyles. She had to hide from Malfoy for a week when she managed to transform his fathers' cane into a candy cane and dressed the man up like Father Christmas while he was making a brief visit to the school.

Hermione got in on the action by turning Pansy Parkinson into a pug dog, and Ron managed to turn Umbridge back into a toad without getting caught. It took the woman a few hours of croaking to get someone to turn her back.

For his part, Harry was mostly content to watch the ensuing hilarity. His week of detention had reopened the scar on the back of his hand, making the words 'I must not tell lies' stand out in even more contrast. Apparently Umbridge hadn't thought 'I must not turn the headmistress into a toad' was worthy of covering up the previous message. Only once did he break down, under cover of the invisibility cloak. Malfoy was roaming the halls with his fellow inquisitorial squad and Harry was hiding behind a suit of armor. He couldn't resist. As soon as the spell had hit, he had run the opposite direction, only turning once to watch as Malfoy screamed at the group of laughing Slytherins. He was completely naked.

It was Neville, however, who got the prize for most daring. Snape was being particularly vicious in potions, and Neville had completely lost his head when his potion had turned a putrid shade of orange instead of the desired milky white. When the potions master rounded on him, Neville had whipped out his wand and screamed "Ridikulus!" at the top of his lungs before fleeing the dungeons as if his life depended on it. Snape had been forced into the dark green dress and vulture hat the boggart had donned over two years previously. His face had turned a violent shade of red and he had given Harry a weeks' worth of detention for laughing. Neville had hid for three days before Snape finally caught up with him and gave him detention every night for the rest of the term.


End file.
